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Real accents are charming; feigned, transcribed accents are just embarrassing. Food porn; also crack, orgy, etc. Please, oh, please refrain from the belabored, ethnically stereotyped interjections. Do you actually let it fly during your meal? Does anyone actually shout it at you while serving your meal, outside of the Epcot Center?
Heavenly; also divine, sinful etc. Not only is it not very useful—what exactly does heaven taste like? The simultaneous ejaculation of 72 virgins? Stoup; also choup. This one goes out to Rachael Ray, who is as much a writer as she is a chef, which is to say not at all. That would explain her programmatic abuse of the English language. Longest 15 minutes of fame ever. I admit to having committed most of these sins over the years myself. But if you want readers to keep coming back, my advice is to be vigilant against the trite, the vague and the cutesy.
There, we summarized that to perfection, and it was more outrageously awesome than a barrel of vivacious monkeys, LOL! Still, preferring the sound of laughter, however derisive, to that of steady snoring, I know I err on the side of exuberant overwriting myself.
For example, the notorious Ms. Freeman went to Harvard, wrote for the fourth-largest daily in the US, understands grammar and syntax, and has a high-SAT-score vocabulary. All part of the fun learning curve. I culled these from the sixty professional pieces I wrote this year.
I sweat hard over word choice; few editorial decisions annoy me more than the substitution of an insipid, ninth-grade-reading-level word for one I painstakingly chose for its dense or allusive or narrow meaning. Saying a flavor is assaultive is not the same as calling it strong or intense. Describing qualities of food: toothsome properly used to describe a certain texture, typically of pasta , luscious , velvety , zippy , lusty , miserly , parsimonious , prosaic , lyrical , zingy , bedecked , cunning , vivid , eye-goggling , acerbic , insipid , high-craft , icky-sweet.
Describing servers and chefs: convivial , stony , sassy , sweet-natured , cherubic , toque , seminal. Describing customers: food nerd my coinage to replace foodie , white-bread , inky-hipster , multi-culti , philistine , nutbag , ding-dong.
Intensifiers positive : dizzying , ravishing , rough-and-ready , beguiling , righteous , serviceable , precious , gobsmacking , jaw-dropping , breathtaking. Intensifiers negative : shameless , harrowing , appalling , sullied , dubious , benighted , fraudulent , egregious , grotesque , bastardized , grating. Forcing you to consult dictionary. Occasionally, though I never choose a fifty-cent word when the nickel one will suffice; nobody likes a showoff. Yeah, yeah, yeah, French throwaways are pretentious. But the diminutive -y suffix is just so damn cute, taking me back to Prague circa , where the bathrooms were marked Toilety ….
Slim excepted. Part 2, on Words We Hate, here …. And, of course, what we ate.jenkins.double-eye.com/la-vuelta-de-martn-fierro-poesa.php
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Purposeful Ranch dressing: gallons Edible underwear: 3. Inadvertent Pubic hairs: Pieces of own tongue: 8 lbs. Waitstaff saliva: 4. For dessert. The clitoris? While most foods go with many things—in a wacky little process we call cooking—some have soulmates.
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How my heart spins like a pinwheel, how my breath blossoms into sighs when my mouth becomes like unto a pink-silk-strewn circular waterbed for the consummation of their edible romance! Behold the stunning couples that in no particular order grace my Top Pickled herring. But besides that, it has its own seawatery strength; it brings the zing to the cream of the flesh. Enough said, I think. Okay— pecorino e miele. As in many a tagine. In short, as in myriad dishes that exhibit Moorish influence. Nuts in the shell from Nuts Online.
Meat on the bone. Same goes for roast chicken. And then there are barbecued ribs—the gnawing, the bone-sucking, the finger-licking, the repeating….
The corner piece of cake. Especially if your other hand has been holding a few too many glasses of wine. And excess phlegm. And, of course, all manner of foodstuffs.
Here, a few of my awfsome faves in no particular order. Chopped Liver From Wikipedia. The experts are absolutely right, of course. And yet—just look at that face! So pretty! So innocent!
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Port Wine Cheeseballs. But if you ask me, cheeseballs are their best at their worst. Seafood Dynamite Takeout dynamite from Sushi Den. Like so many ingenious culinary creations—croquettes, ribollita , cold turkey sandwiches— it began as a vehicle for leftovers , quickly becoming popular enough to warrant higher-end variants.
And why is it so popular? Buttery Butter Butter. Cold pizza. Peanut butter. Hot black coffee. Slices of roasted eggplant. Celery sticks.
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Crystallized pineapple rings. But especially cold pizza. And spesh -especially that last slice. Wasabi Snuff Snorting a full hit of wasabi is insanely stupid.
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